What I wish I wore today

I attempted to go to work today but felt like ass and they made me come home. Well before leaving I ran into one of our Spanish associates (the special team of bi-lingual people to answer the phones) and good god it was like she escaped from the circus. I will try my best to describe her the best I can without an actual picture.
Ok so she's hispanic, about 35, I would say 5'4 and 180-200lbs. Not huge but no place near average (about a size 24/26). She has the "I tried to dye my hair blonde but it came out kinda orange" shoulder length semi curly hair. The "HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT" eyebrows put on with a brown sharpie. And the clumpy eyelashes, with the pink lip liner but no lipstick. Today she is wearing a brown tank top that must be a childs large because it barely covers the fat of her stomach and looks almost painted on it so tight every time she exhales i think i hear the fabric tear a little. On top of this tank top (with a pink bra under might i add) she has one of those white beach cover-ups that is all mesh and holey, like it's a sweater. And some SKIN tight kaki capri pants. By skin tight i mean you can see EVERY dimple in her legs and almost make out each hair follicle. Plus she has a major camel toe and panty lines in the back. Then to top off her ensamble she has on CLEAR platform sandalsthat do thiswhen she walks...NEED I SAY MORE??